A burglar breaks into a house one night . . .

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh?

Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed.
‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Fried Chicken

Miss Lisa, our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t

funny, but she couldn’t have been right because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told

my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love

animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make

them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to

do it any more.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today,

my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders”.

Guess where I my little ass is now…….?

Level of Stress

t’s the Level of Stress.

You  pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl.  Suddenly she faints inside  your

car and you take her to  hospital.

Now that’s  stressful.

 

But  at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that  you are  going to be a father.

You say that you are not the  father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful.

 

So  then…… you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the  father.

After  the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile,  and probably have been since birth.  You are  extremely  stressed but  relieved.

 

On  your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT’S REAL  STRESS!!

Dark in Here . . .

A woman takes a lover home during the day

while her husband is at work.

Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing

that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The man says, ‘Yes, it is..’

Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’

Man: ‘That’s nice’

Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’

Man: ‘No, thanks.’

Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’

Man: ‘OK, how much?’

Boy: ‘$250’

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.

Boy: ‘Dark in here.’

Man: ‘Yes, it is.’

Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’

The lover, remembering the last time,

asks the boy, How much?’

Boy: ‘$750’

Man: ‘Sold.’

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside
and have a game of catch.’

The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’

The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’

Boy: ‘$1,000’

The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is
way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional
booth and closes the door..

Wait For It !!

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The priest says, ‘Don’t start that **** again; you’re in my closet now..

 

The CCW permit

“Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop says, “I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Well then, better tell me what you got.”

Smith says, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There’s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”

“Okay,” the cop says. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That’s about it.”

“Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range…?”

“Nope.”

“Well then, what are you afraid of…?”

“Not a damn thing”

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars. 

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va trieda to treata her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
 
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go pick her up.”

Phone Repair

PHONE REPAIR

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.

The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you’d like to know.

The Hair Cut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as 
to when they could discuss his use of the car. 
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up 
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. 
Then we'll talk about the car.' 
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, 
and they agreed on it. 
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up 
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm 
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. 
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've 
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the 
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong 
evidence that Jesus had long hair.' 

  You're going to love the Dad's reply: 

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

 

Illegal Immigrant Style

Sex illegal immigrant style An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

“Hey, how much you charge for an hour, sister?” he asks.

“$100,” she replies.

In broken English, he says, “Do you do immigrant style?”

“No” she says. ”

I pay you $200 to do immigrant style.”

“No,” she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

“I pay you $300.”

“No,” she says. ”

I pay you $400.”

“No,” she says. So finally he says, “OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style.”

She thinks, “Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years and have had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?” So she agrees and has sex with him.

Finally, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, “Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?”

The illegal immigrant replies, “You send bill to Government.”

AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US

I am a LEGAL AMERICAN!

I’m a legal American citizen and I must show my ID when:
1.  Pulled over by the police.
2.  Making purchases on my department store credit card.
3.  When I show up for a doctor’s appointment.
4.  When filling out a credit card or loan application.
5.  When applying for or renewing a driver’s license or passport.
6.  When applying for any kind of insurance.
7.  When filling out college applications.
8.  When donating blood.
9.  When obtaining certain prescription drugs.

10.  When making some debit purchases, especially
if I’m out of state.
11. When collecting a boarding pass for airline or train travel.

I’m sure there are more instances, but the point is that we citizens of the USA  are required to prove who we are nearly every day!
Why should people in this country illegally, be exempt!!!!!
Why shouldn’t we guard our borders as closely as every other country in the world does?
Go ARIZONA !!!



Only 68% will send this on… Should be a 100%!  BET YOU’LL SEND IT!!!